I’m back in the office after an incredible week at Burning Man. My husband and I have been attending since 2004 (with a few breaks for pregnancy and nursing), and it remains the highlight of our year.

We completely unplug from work and parenting responsibilities to reconnect with ourselves and each other.

Here’s something that might surprise you: we do this as much for our kids as we do for ourselves.

I truly believe children need to see their parents prioritizing their adult relationship and practicing self-care. They need opportunities to manage their lives without us, building independence and resilience along the way.

Most importantly, they need to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them.

You don’t need to travel to Black Rock City to teach these lessons, but I encourage you to think about how you can model self-care while giving your children these invaluable life skills. It’s a win-win for everyone!

Okay, that was a bonus tip. Now let’s dive into this week’s tips about motivation and cooperation.

Tip #1: Practice “Mindful Motivation”

If you’ve followed my work, you know I typically steer away from using consequences to control behavior, especially with strong-willed children. So you might be surprised that today’s tip focuses on using consequences responsibly.

Don’t worry, Tip #2 will tie this all together!

“Mindful Motivation” is my framework for using consequences thoughtfully, avoiding escalation and power struggles. This approach works best for parents who feel they need consequences in their toolkit {I see you!}

Here are the key principles:

Plan Consequences Ahead: Avoid handing out consequences in heated moments. During a calm, connected time, discuss expectations together: “Let’s agree that if you break this rule, you’ll lose [insert privilege]. That might help you think before you act.”

Limit the Time Period: Before you implement a system of consequences, decide how long you’ll try it for. If a consequence isn’t changing the behavior after your set period, stop using it. This is one of the most common challenges I help parents navigate. They continue relying on consequences because they’re out of ideas, not because it’s actually working.

Stay Neutral: Don’t let your frustration give your child more power. Approach the situation with compassion, not anger: “It’s okay if you lose the privilege. It’s one of the choices I gave you.” If they consistently choose the consequence (over following your rules), you need a new strategy, not a harsher penalty.

Don’t Punish Yourself: Avoid consequences that make your life harder. Get creative. There are plenty of better options out there.

These principles will help you determine whether a consequence is actually effective at changing behavior. If it works, fabulous! If it doesn’t, let’s explore alternatives that build trust and respect while improving your child’s ability to cooperate without feeling controlled. THAT’S what I do. I help parents crack the code on this. Schedule a trial session with me, and we’ll figure it out together.

Tip #2: Motivate from the Inside Out

So when should you skip consequences altogether? More often than you think!

Most kids (especially boys) respond better to internal motivation than external rewards and punishments.

Instead of asking “How can I get my son to listen?” try shifting to “What does my son need to feel motivated on his own?”

Boys need to feel capable, connected, and trusted. When those ingredients are in place, cooperation follows naturally. No bribes or threats required.

This means giving simple scripts that inspire rather than demand, avoiding power struggles by offering choices and autonomy, and building confidence by letting them solve problems and experience natural outcomes.

When you focus on motivating from the inside out, you’re not just solving today’s behavior issue. You’re raising a self-driven, confident young man who can handle any circumstance life throws at him. And bonus: you’ll build a stronger relationship built on trust and teamwork, not control.

Want to learn my complete 4-step system for inspiring cooperation without the daily battles? I teach this evidence-based strategy in depth, including when to use consequences and when to skip them entirely. Set up a trial session or check out The Boy Mom Academy to get support today.