Now that Thanksgiving is behind us, how are you feeling about the rest of the holiday season?

If you’re like many parents, you’re oscillating between excitement and the mild dread that comes with a change in routine. But the holidays can be an opportunity to practice new skills that transform our relationships with our kids, and that brings me to today’s first tip…

Looping

Last week, I commented on a Facebook video about “Looping,” a communication strategy where you prove to someone that you understand them, even if you profoundly disagree with them. I recommend watching the video here if you’re on Facebook.

I’d never heard of “Looping,” but it’s a similar strategy to the one I call “The ‘Yes, Exactly!’ Script” in my Boy Mom Academy.

That’s where you say something your son can agree with, and he responds, “Yes, exactly!” From there, you can have a more productive conversation because he doesn’t have to defend his point of view.

What would your child say to these examples?:

• “You really don’t want to take a shower because you’re in the middle of building a Lego set, and if you stop now, you’ll lose your spot.”
• “You hit your brother because he’s been teasing you all day, and you were trying to get my attention. I didn’t step in, so you took matters into your own hands.”
• “It makes sense that you lied. You probably thought you’d get in trouble if you told the truth, so why bother?”

If your child would say, “Yes! Exactly!” then you get it. This is only step #1 in the conversation, but it’s an important way to validate their point of view and help them open their ears to what comes next.

BUT, one mom asked a really insightful question in the comments of that Facebook video:

“Is there an age cutoff for this approach being appropriate? How do these boy moms avoid becoming men who can only listen if their viewpoint is centered?:

Here’s my response (which I think you’ll appreciate).

I said, “That’s a really good question! I don’t think there’s an age cut off because I think it’s a good communication strategy with anybody. What I’ve noticed is that the more I do this with my boys, the more they learn to do it with others. They don’t walk around in life expecting other people to center their point of view just because I do it with them. They learn from the school of hard knocks that the world doesn’t revolve around them. But at home, we use it as a technique to alleviate tension, model compassion, and move a conversation forward when we’re getting trapped in a power struggle. They’ve learned that it’s a strategy to create better relationships and connection… They haven’t learned to expect it wherever they go.”

I hope that perspective gives you confidence in this tool. I’d love to hear your thoughts.