When my kids were young, I read a lot of parenting books, always hoping they would solve my problems with magical techniques – there’s literally a book called 1,2,3 Magic! Spoiler alert, it didn’t make magic in our house.   

But there was one book that taught me a skill I’ll never forget and have taken with me through my parenting journey and into my coaching practice daily. That skill is called “Emotion Coaching.”  

When kids are in meltdown mode and emotions are running high, it’s hard to know what to do. You can try to “technique the problem away” and maybe get a quick fix. But the long-term results might disappoint. Enter “emotion coaching” – a tool that will pay off over time and could de-escalate things in the heat of the moment.  

It’s not about being 100% calm or just focusing on feeling, and it’s not a replacement for child therapy. Rather, it’s about helping your child understand himself little by little, over time. It’s about showing your child that feelings can be scary, but we don’t have to face them alone. 

Done well, and as often as you can swing it, emotion coaching can build trust, emotional regulation, and stronger bonds…not to mention empathy in children – for themselves and for others. 

What Is Emotion Coaching?

Emotion coaching parenting is a “practice” – like yoga, you’ll never be perfect at it, there will always be room to grow, and if you forget to do it, forgive yourself and get back on the wagon. 

When you’re practicing emotion coaching, you’re helping your child understand himself and manage his emotions by showing empathy, labeling feelings, and setting loving limits. To help parents remember to use this, I like to teach scripts that “lead into” emotion coaching.

Let’s say your child is melting down or being defiant – you can start your sentence, “It makes sense that you’re feeling {insert emotion and then explain why they might have that feeling}.”  This teaches them that their emotions are worth paying attention to and not surprising. For example:  “It makes sense that you’re feeling excluded. Your brother has a friend over, and they don’t want you in their room. That’s crummy.”  With emotion coaching, you’re not trying to fix the feeling or make it disappear. Your goal is to help your child understand himself and move through the emotion until it passes. What a great way to build resilience and show a child that he can bounce back from hard feelings. 

This is grounded in the work of John Gottman and others who studied how our responses as parents can shape our children’s emotional intelligence.

Again, this isn’t about “fixing” feelings. It’s about standing shoulder to shoulder with your child as he walks through big emotions. In emotion coaching, there’s no judgment, panic, or trying to convince them not to feel that way. Later, when your child is calm and the feeling has passed, you can offer more logic and explanation for why their feelings might not have been grounded in reality…but timing is everything. There’s no rush. 

If you were raised on things like “You’re fine,” “Stop crying,” or “Go to your room until you can behave,” then emotion coaching can feel like a leap of faith. It might feel unfamiliar, unnatural, or just plain ineffective. Don’t forget that we’re playing the long game here. Emotional resilience and self-regulation don’t come overnight. Like yoga, it takes practice. The human brain naturally looks for patterns. That’s how we learn. This is no different.  

What Emotion Coaching Looks Like in Real Life

Let’s say your 7-year-old is “crashing out” because you won’t let him have another 30 minutes on the iPad.

Old you might say: “That’s enough! Don’t talk to me like that.”

New, emotion-coaching you says (deep breath first): “It makes sense that you’re upset. You were having fun, and I made you stop in the middle of a show.” 

Your child will most likely agree with you, which is what we want! Then you can say, “Yeah, you’re worried you won’t know what happens at the end of the show. Plus, you wish you were in charge of turning it off yourself.  That’s hard. 

 

You’re setting the limit without punishing the naturally occurring emotion. You’re helping your child feel seen and stay connected, even when the answer is no.

Why It’s Worth the Effort

Emotion coaching is hard at first. You may feel like you’re doing it “wrong.” You may wonder if it’s working.

But over time, notice whether your child starts to: 

• Look to you for help before hitting or shutting down
• Trust that you’re on their side, even in conflict
• Calm down faster – at first with your help, but eventually on their own. 
• Demonstrate more empathy for others, because they’ve experienced it themselves

If you’re raising a strong-willed child, or like many of my clients, you’re raising a boy who seems socialized to stuff his emotions down or express them as anger, this is an important tool for your toolbox. 

When Emotion Coaching Feels Impossible

If you’re human, there will be days when you can’t emotion coach. You’ll react, snap, or roll your eyes.

That’s normal, whether this is new to you or not.  

That’s why so many parents come to parent coaching – not because they don’t know what to do, but because it’s hard to do it consistently without support.

As a parenting coach, I help moms (and sometimes dads) build habits and emotion coaching scripts that fit their child’s temperament and their own personality. There’s no one-size-fits-all script to use. I’ve developed a parent coaching curriculum that includes modules on emotional regulation, not just for kids, but for parents too.

NOTE: You can’t coach your child through a tantrum if you’re having one of your own.

Why This Matters for ADHD, Anxiety, and More

If your child has ADHD, sensory processing challenges, anxiety, or is just extra intense, persistent, or sensitive, emotion coaching can be your lifeline.

A lot of the parents I work with have tried everything and know that traditional discipline doesn’t work. Or they’ve tried alternatives, like emotion coaching, and that hasn’t worked either.  The value of hiring a parent coach is in having someone hold your hand and tweak your strategies until you figure out exactly what will inspire your child to be kind, calm, and cooperative.  

Just like emotion coaching gives your child a roadmap when they’re feeling lost in their emotions, parent coaching gives you a road map when you’re lost in a sea of parenting strategies that don’t work. 

I’ve used this approach with kids who’ve been diagnosed with everything from autism to ODD to “nothing but difficult.” Labels don’t matter as much to me as the relationship. And emotion coaching strengthens that relationship, no matter what you’re dealing with.

What about You? Do You Need Emotion Coaching? 

Let’s not forget: you have emotions too.

You might be holding it together on the outside while feeling overwhelmed, burned out, or ashamed of how often you holler at your child or cry alone in the car. That’s where coaching helps. I help parents make sense of their triggers and find better tools, not just for their kids, but for themselves.

Just like you don’t have to be a child psychologist to offer your child emotion coaching, I don’t have to be a licensed therapist to offer you support when you need it most. 

When people feel safe in hard moments, they learn to feel safe with themselves. I want that for you and your child. 

FAQs

Q: Can emotion coaching work with older kids or teens?

Yes! This is a life skill that can work in any relationship. It may look a little different with older kids, teens, or adults (less hand-holding, more reflective listening), but the core approach still works. Teens need to feel seen and validated just as much as toddlers do.

Q: What if I already tried it and it didn’t work?

It might be that the timing, tone, or strategy just needs a tweak. That’s where working with a parenting coach helps – even if it’s just one session. You don’t have to figure it out alone.

Q: How is this different from gentle parenting?

Emotion coaching is one piece of a broader parenting approach – in my case, I call it The Boy Mom Method, and I teach this and many more strategies in The Boy Mom Academy.  There are elements of gentle parenting in my work with certain clients, but my focus is always on what’s effective and sustainable for your family.